My Dad committed suicide on December 31, 2009. I never thought that previous statement would be possible. My Dad was a strong, can do man. However, on December 31 he said he “cannot” for the first time. He did not want to live. I wish I had known there was something wrong. I wish I could hug him one more time and tell him how much I loved him and admired him. I was always so proud of my Dad but did not tell him.
Everyone grieves in different ways. My way was anger and denial. I was mad at him. How could he do this to my Mom, kids and grandchildren. My anger also turned to my mother. What did she say to him before he did this. How could she miss the signs. My relationship with my mother has always been delicate since the day I was born. However, the death of my father has made it where I don’t have a relationship at all with her. I miss her and I am letting her have her space. I hope that one day we can sit down and work things out. My parents would have been married for 48 years last month. I can only imagine how hard it has to be for her not to have her rock, her love, her best friend with her.
It was easy to be in denial of my father’s death because I could just pretend that he was at home with my Mom and since I have not been over to the house then I did not have to face it. Friday, Good Friday, it hit me like a brick. I was getting gas and my car would not start. I tried not to panic and opened the hood and checked things but still would not start. I got back in my car and started to call my Dad. My Dad was always there for me when I needed him. I then realized that I could not call my Dad. I would never be able to call my Dad for help again. It was at that moment that I really truly began to grieve my father. How would I make it with out my Dad to be there when I needed help. I cried harder than I ever had before and have been this weekend. My “Daddy” is gone and will not be coming back.
My oldest son came over this morning and gave me a stuffed bunny this morning and spent a little bit of time before he went to the family gathering that I was not invited to. I am grateful for him and did make it a little easier today. I sit at home today with my car not working, without my family, no Easter dinner but all of that is so secondary to my Dad is not here. I can get my car fixed and try to work on my family relationships but there is nothing I can do to bring my Dad back.
My Dad is in a better place and it is because of Jesus Christ that my Dad was forgiven of his sins and I believe spending his first Easter up in heaven with Jesus himself. I have a tendency to be agnostic but I must believe in God or I would not think that my father was in heaven.
Thank you for reading my very first blog post. Please remember to tell people in your life how much they mean to you while you have a chance.